Final anecdote (August: chapter 4)

In "chapter 3" I mentioned: "the Suchness of life" Rambling on about how it (Life) is entirely unpredictable, changing and fascinatingly senseless... :) how Life is a dynamic process and there is no predicting what effect one small change will have on the rest of the system"
  
We teach and are taught rules, facts, processes and a LOT of theory and then we try to predict the future and prescribe methods according to these models, when in fact nobody can really predict, prescribe or lecture anything, because the world is constantly changing!

The solution...I hope? (August: chapter 3)

So, I have tried really hard to do everything "by the book" and I still do most of the time... but at some stage you really just have to give in on some rules! eg. I know that a person's "supposed to" let the dog sit (or something sort-like), give their food and then take the bowl away after 15 to 20 minutes... especially when the dog's not eating their food, but this routine is just not working for me. I've tried to follow this rule now for 8 months, but Jenni isn't persuaded.

So now I decided to give up and I leave the food there until she has eaten it or until the next meal when I clean out the bowl. Jenn is already a very slim breed of dog and she's getting a little on the thin side, therefore I'm just breaking this rule from now on - so sue me ;) Some rules are just made to be broken!

But wait, there's more to complain about... (August chapter 2)

Ok, so what else is "unhappying" me...?

The garden - oh @%@%@%@ there is SUCH a lot "wrong" with our garden :(

There are So many things to fix and to do, but I just really don't have the time and cannot do all of it on my own!

 

So - moving on to the rest of the garden... well, most of the back garden was either "remodeled" by the dog... or destroyed by the broken stormwater pipe that had to be dug up all the way from the front to the back on the one side of the house (that was at least R 5 000 's landscaping that had to be redone, and what we did was clearly not sufficient because many of the things don't seem to grow so well there)  :(

I am just so frustrated with all the things I "should be" doing and also want to fix, but just don't have the time for! And pets who are not "playing along" even after a lot of time and good work (according to "the book") that I put into them...

According to some good philosophy, it is a good idea to counter every complaint with something  that is positive about the situation, however small!! Think I should try this. I hope that it works!

Something else that irritates the S#%!@ out of me is the builders - who are STILL busy fixing things - at least they finished up last week with the December list and now they are on the Feb/March snag list. What p*sses me off the most about it is that they will do absolutely NOTHING for MONTHS until I am at home one week and THEN they come to fix things. If only they could at least call me beforehand to let me know someone is coming to the house!! This is so infuriating, but I know it won't help to get even more upset about people knocking on my door while I'm in my PJ's... writing blogs and trying to have a little "Me-time" :P

Small + At least it gives the dog some exposure to visitors ringing the front door bell... and her having to sit and "wait" before she can wriggle and pee all over the floor ;) - why does my life feel insane?

Anyway - I just decided that I will NOT phone the building project-manager and complain about the unexpected "visitors" because #1 I've done it before and clearly it doesn't help at all and # 2 I'm hoping that if I just accept it at not fight the way it is that it will go away?? one can only be hopeful. I think it's worth a try :P

I have had the privilege and pleasure of complaining to my boyfriend about all the things that "I have decided" make me unhappy... BUT - is it really life that's out to get me or do I seek excuses as to why I cannot just Be happy or at the very least just content with life?! Do I create my own obstacles to feel more entertained? A lot of people only want what they think they can't have... and almost as soon as they have it they have to find something new to desire, a next quarry to chase, better results, more, bigger, better... but is this really better? Is constantly seeking more a good thing? Does it assist us? Does it do us any good?

I guess my frustrations are partly due to the possibility that I had my goals set too high to start with (or more likely ideals/ imaginings that were just waaaaay unrealistic!!). Even though I have 'solved' my problem it makes me more than just a little sad. :(

It is rather depressing in a way because I seem to have almost everything I dared to dream about! I have a horse, a dog, an awesome boyfriend...a Big garden exactly the way I planned it (well - almost!) And that seems to be the key to my unhappiness... everything is so near-perfect, but yet so far from it! I guess I had too many great expectations about all of them once again and ... I do realise that life would just be easier to bear if I could adjust my ideals and increase my tolerance to imperfection, but I guess I am scared that if I settle for the less than perfect state of things then life will never be spectacular!! And I guess I have always been brought up with the idea that one should try to be spectacular! WHY - god only knows...? or does s(he)?

I just have this immense drive to do things close to perfectly and it is keeping me away from just being content with life.

So - now - how do I fix this... any ideas? 

Disappointed, depro or overwhelmed... (August chapter 1)

... isn't it basically the same thing? It's been a while since I wrote something: I guess I just didn't have much good to say so I rather said nothing but right now I need to give myself some permission to complain. The past week I have been really struggling with the very simple obstacles in life and because it has made me so negative it's like the little issues are even bigger and more debilitating. I feel overwhelmed, trapped and sometimes almost paralysed by the shadowing gripes of everyday life? Am I depressed... or just very disappointed that life isn't quite playing along with the rules of my game? One thing I can say is that things seem much harder than I had anticipated and at times I'm losing hope and enthusiasm for all the things I'm attempting to find time for.

To pea or not to pea

I do declare - my life is running away from under me. I think I have just too many interests and things I am trying to get done before I hit 30... happening next year :o


I don't know why I suddenly feel compelled to try everything I've always wanted to do in one shot? Possibly because I now sort of have the means to... or do I?


All I do know is that Jenni is growing up so quickly and keeping me VERY busy. At times I am convinced that she is even more taxing than raising a child - but I suspect I stand to be corrected and that one day I will return to my philosophy that it would be easier raising 5 dogs than one child. I suppose I make her more effort than she has to be: I insist on cooking her puppy stew to supplement her already balanced meal of Royal Canin pellets, but it makes me happy. It always takes be back to my "Oumagrootjie's" (great grandmother's) kitchen when she cooked stew for her dogs (in the days before Epol). But anyway, while Jenni is chewing up more of my plants I have been dreaming up another plan to try and satisfy my desire to have my own farm... :)

After realising that a proper, big farm that is 2 hours away form home would not fit into our current lifestyle and would most likely jeopardise our relationship a lot I devised a new solution: leasing farm land close to town and setting up a small farm business with an organic vegetable patch, horses, chickens, peas etc. Besides the financial strain and demands on our time from a proper farm there is a lot of uncertainty about land ownership and demanding labour laws in our country, so a long-term lease will most likely be the best solution and would decrease our financial commitment substantially. Or so I hope! At least a smaller enterprise closer to the city would be a less risky trial of my determination and capabilities to run my own small farm. I am also not ignorant of my weaknesses and I realise that the biggest risk is perhaps my fluctuating interest in things I start doing, so this business would at least hold better prospects for resale should I later realise that I am not farm-girl material.

TarraGONE

I was so glad to see our Jenni again after a weekend away from her...
We were adventuring about, "just looking" at farms for a possible weekend getaway and lifestyle investment... but that's a whole different story all together.

It was a very inspiring breakaway and to me one of our more romantic weekends away together, but I am always glad to come back "home" and even more so since spending 2 days without our "baby" (Jenni). She is so cute and friendly and such a truly happy little pup, but Oh so demanding!! When I peeked around the garden to see what's still growing and where new holes to china have appeared I discovered my little tarragon (now tarra-gone!) plant ripped out and wilted under the bushwillow. :( ahhh, oh well, I expected far worse. There's no use crying over spilled milk and I suppose my beautiful garden WILL suffer at the red paws of the demanding miss Cutie-pie until she's a little older. I made my beds and now she will sleep in them (and pull out a few plants while she's at it ;)

In the above pondering resides a bunch of very important philosophical decisions and real life facets tied up together...

First in my mind is the philosophy that I have always had: You will never know until you try... Indeed, and actually I'm still not even certain whether having a dog is working for us or not... I know that it still CAN work out, if things improve a little on the side of her demands... but I also know that if our priorities/needs changed (eg. if we had to travel abroad while she's still so young and time-consuming/ if we have a baby and our time is even more restricted, etc.) things could go horribly wrong and we could end up with an undisciplined, even more demanding burden on our time.

The same with the farm. Well, actually even worse, because a dog is a couple of thousand rands worth of hassle, where a farm could be a couple of Million rands' chronic pain. Although I know that I would REALLY like to try it, there are all sorts of factors counting against this decision. But if we just forgot about all the issues and difficulties of farming in the first place, what worries me most is the realisation that there is an obvious difference between the dream and the reality. Knowing my own personal flaws I have experienced the enormous difference between what I always imagined something would be and what it truly is! What I imagined I'd have time for and what I become to lazy to do or just too obsessed with some new thing... etc. To be VERY honest I don't think I have what it takes to make this dream a reality on the steam of my own desires and wishes, I will have to go into it only if I have a partner equally enthusiastic, equally committed and equally crazy to plunge in and make it work out. Hmmm...? A VERY hard decision indeed!

But just look how awesome the natural setting is: I can just see the horses, cattle and alpacas grazing in these "paddocks" :)

It is such a dreamy place and a true inspiration from nature!!

How I wish I'd crawled back into bed

Happy as a sunflower... Oh so sweet.

 I'm such a good girl - promise ;)

It has been a rather eventful week, mainly due to Genevieve, who has been Miss Jackyl and Hyde... ;) It started off with her being an enormous brat, jumping up, biting at me and growling for attention and the next day she was the sweetest angel for just about a day and a half. :P I told Hunny that whatever remedy he had given her should please be continued, but alas! it seems like it was all her own idea. On the perfect day she only slept in her very tiny dog bed (we're still waiting for a crate *sigh*), she played with her own toys, she ate ALL her food (all of a sudden) and snoozed quietly at my feet while I was watching TV (bliss). I felt so amazed and accomplished, believing that all my effort to try and discipline the wild little beast had paid off, but unfortunately all returned to "normal" the day after, when we had, once again, a little hooligan on our hands that bit, growled, eaten my raspberry bush :( and even peed on the blanket she'd slept on in front of the TV!? Eish!!

How can u be mad at me when I'm so cute!

In my desperation to try and relive her moments of best behaviour I tried some dominating tactics, holding her on my lap, rolling her onto her back and getting her to lie still. We eventually had her pacified for 2 minutes, tickling her tummy. I could even (quickly) trim her toenails. In my state of elation at being able to groom her properly I ventured out to get the proper Irish red setter trimming equipment and started trimming her feet, ears and legs. I was a little less successful to say the least. I know I was supposed to introduce the whole trimming and grooming experience more sensitively, but who really has time for all that! I'd been on leave for an entire month and still hadn't managed to get to half the things I'd planned to do and this was my last week of leave, so patience and dominance would have to do the trick. Obviously I was mistaken :P

Jenni wasn't all that bad I suppose, but after a long walk, lunch and a "hurry-up" outside I was hoping to have a passive pooch to trim and brush, however, Madam had other ideas. She had much more fun biting at the scissors, nipping my hands/clothes/shoes or whatever she could reach. Presenting her favourite toys had zero effect and she squiggled and squirmed most of the time. I had to be more than just stern and really lost my temper at times and would just pin her down to the floor, which would work for all of 10 seconds. *another Deep Sigh* At least in the end she was sort of trimmed and I could brush her undercoat with the pin brush. It is recommended that for showing one not brush a completely dry coat and so I brewed a fragrant tea of rose geranium to spray on her body. The showing gurus recommend some conditioning mist, but I don't know where to get hold of that so I decided to be creative ;) At least it made her smell lovely.

At last!

 

Disappearing whiskers...?